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unlearning shame is a bitch

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unlearning shame is a bitch

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sure sex is cool, but have you ever put yourself back together after being shattered into a million pieces?

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sure sex is cool, but have you ever put yourself back together after being shattered into a million pieces?

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idk maybe feeling…proud? that we’ve managed to weather the last few months, starting with brother’s death in July.

I believe we were starting to feel empowered and such for like two weeks, then he died, and we’ve mostly been in a spiral since then. Starting to come out of it we hope?

Thinking more in terms of plurality as well and it wasn’t just “me” (whoever that is) that lost a brother. Several of my parts did, and they all had different relationships with, and memories of, him.

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idk maybe feeling…proud? that we’ve managed to weather the last few months, starting with brother’s death in July.

I believe we were starting to feel empowered and such for like two weeks, then he died, and we’ve mostly been in a spiral since then. Starting to come out of it we hope?

Thinking more in terms of plurality as well and it wasn’t just “me” (whoever that is) that lost a brother. Several of my parts did, and they all had different relationships with, and memories of, him.

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guess it’s an ember kind of night, as we’ve found ourselves listening to early 00’s emo, starting with matchbook romance

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guess it’s an ember kind of night, as we’ve found ourselves listening to early 00’s emo, starting with matchbook romance

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In undergrad, we decided to switch majors out of computer and electrical engineering to computer science, specifically the game development track. This required courses in journalism and screen studies. The only JASS class that fit my schedule that semester was Film & Feminisms, where we learned about the Male Gaze for the first time.

That class fundamentally changed our relationship to media and within a year or so we dropped comp sci for a dual major in JASS and Women’s and Gender Studies.

This all aligns with coming out as trans for the first time, our political radicalization from libertarianism to anarchism and radical feminism, as well as jumping into the kink scene.

We’re revisiting our old blog posts this evening, as every time we do, we gain new understanding of self. “It’s patriarchal trauma all the way down” seems to be the theme during this time and seeing that theme repeat in movies right now.

Also, this blog post from 2015 is funny as fuck to us now:

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In undergrad, we decided to switch majors out of computer and electrical engineering to computer science, specifically the game development track. This required courses in journalism and screen studies. The only JASS class that fit my schedule that semester was Film & Feminisms, where we learned about the Male Gaze for the first time.

That class fundamentally changed our relationship to media and within a year or so we dropped comp sci for a dual major in JASS and Women’s and Gender Studies.

This all aligns with coming out as trans for the first time, our political radicalization from libertarianism to anarchism and radical feminism, as well as jumping into the kink scene.

We’re revisiting our old blog posts this evening, as every time we do, we gain new understanding of self. “It’s patriarchal trauma all the way down” seems to be the theme during this time and seeing that theme repeat in movies right now.

Also, this blog post from 2015 is funny as fuck to us now:

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2015-01-18-lack

I feel more that I'm lacking something, as a person. I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps a personality trait. Or a habit. A change in demeanor. Something is missing. Or a part not able to express itself.

Objectively, I have a pretty good life, but it seems that I am sad more often than not. Why is this? I reach out into the abyss hoping my hand finds purchase on the last puzzle piece. Something to bring happiness (even when I have plenty to be happy about).

It seems silly how often my logic (everything is pretty darn good) and my emotions (the end of the world is upon us) are at odds.

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@EverBeyondReach ok, yeah, this.

in fact, switching to Star Wars now, thanks!

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@EverBeyondReach ok, yeah, this.

in fact, switching to Star Wars now, thanks!

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Favorite scenes in cinema:

Lighting of the Beacons

Eowyn and Merry kill the Witch King

Vice Admiral Holdo goes to lightspeed

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Favorite scenes in cinema:

Lighting of the Beacons

Eowyn and Merry kill the Witch King

Vice Admiral Holdo goes to lightspeed

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ok we’re up! current Rx is for self-care, focusing on ourselves, and, specifically, movies.

Planned a massive cleaning project today (kitchen, barring microwave, is unusable currently) but we don’t really have the energy for that right now. Probably need help with it, but we’ve alienated most people in our life recently, as we learn who is safe to be authentic around.

Lots of emotions lately, and learning how to grow up and not grow up at the same time is, frankly, exhausting. Trying to learn how/when to ask for help and not take on everything ourselves while also dealing with the reality that those most capable of helping us aren’t safe for our system.

Anyway, Arwen just gave up immortality and Andúril is being reforged, so going back to watching all of LotR as happening within a single system.

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ok we’re up! current Rx is for self-care, focusing on ourselves, and, specifically, movies.

Planned a massive cleaning project today (kitchen, barring microwave, is unusable currently) but we don’t really have the energy for that right now. Probably need help with it, but we’ve alienated most people in our life recently, as we learn who is safe to be authentic around.

Lots of emotions lately, and learning how to grow up and not grow up at the same time is, frankly, exhausting. Trying to learn how/when to ask for help and not take on everything ourselves while also dealing with the reality that those most capable of helping us aren’t safe for our system.

Anyway, Arwen just gave up immortality and Andúril is being reforged, so going back to watching all of LotR as happening within a single system.

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kinda ridiculous how much shame we need(ed) to unlearn to feel safe, not “lazy,”still being in bed at noon

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kinda ridiculous how much shame we need(ed) to unlearn to feel safe, not “lazy,”still being in bed at noon

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self care is watching Honor Among Thieves tonight

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self care is watching Honor Among Thieves tonight

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we’ve never seen Hackers (1995) and feel we should remedy that

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we’ve never seen Hackers (1995) and feel we should remedy that

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practicing a lenormand grand tableau reading. per guidebook, the 4 corners are the general themes of the reading. they are: alley, network, clover, heart

learning to read card combinations in several directions, as well as read pairs of mirrored cards

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practicing a lenormand grand tableau reading. per guidebook, the 4 corners are the general themes of the reading. they are: alley, network, clover, heart

learning to read card combinations in several directions, as well as read pairs of mirrored cards

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36 card lenormand reading. 4 rows of 9 cards are as follows:

alley, clouds, fox, stalemate, cybernetics, ai, letter, tower, network
person, anchor, mountain, person, child, cross, tree, music, key
rider, ring, crossroads, lovers, garden, stork, snake, person, hacker
clover, whip, ruins, city, dog, birds, bear, heart

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Did a full face this evening. Been a while!

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Did a full face this evening. Been a while!

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fat white femme wearing a black sports bra with a black denim jacket over it. jacket has political pins. she has short violet hair with shaved sides, lavender cat-eye glasses, lipstick lesbian earrings, a chain necklace, and a amethyst pendant. she has glam makeup including shimmer neon blue eyeshadow, and a rebel red lip

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same person as previous, this time from a high angle and without glasses

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full moon o’ clock, time for some gender fluid

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full moon o’ clock, time for some gender fluid

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somehow lost my markers since last night so we improvised

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somehow lost my markers since last night so we improvised

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drawing of a skull with crystals, plants, and fungi coming out of it. it is colored in with an eyeshadow palette of purples, pinks, blues, and bronzes. the art, palette, and speaker sit on a wood surface

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sometimes we see .tw as “trans woman” and other times we see “trigger warning”

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sometimes we see .tw as “trans woman” and other times we see “trigger warning”

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Today’s selfie. Feeling good. 💜

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Today’s selfie. Feeling good. 💜

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fat white femme in a mirror. she is wearing a black crop top with a fishnet neckline. over top is a black denim jacket with trans pride pin. she has short purple hair with shaved sides, lavender cat-eye glasses, and a dark purple lip.

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“not a morning person” she whispers to herself, drawing the blanket tighter

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“not a morning person” she whispers to herself, drawing the blanket tighter

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current gender vibes

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current gender vibes

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four panel meme of bat being held. overlayed text in white reads: “I am the darkness,” “Oh, you want cuddles?” “Ok, I give cuddles,” “But I am still the darkness”

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I survived so that I could thrive 🥰

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I survived so that I could thrive 🥰